i am losing my job because of asperger's syndrome.

[aspietalk]

my job: designer. i do incredible design work, have gotten rave reviews. the board of directors, executive director loves me.

the people i work with: i just found out today that they have been going, behind my back, complaining to my supervisor about me, saying that they don't like working with me. i make them feel "uncomfortable." they're "scared" to approach me.

the entire time i've worked there, i have been very open, very honest, a clear communicator. i document everything, every project is an open book, every new design job i explain to whoever the contact is what will be involved with the project, the timeline, what they'll need to do, what i'll do, deadlines. i've stuck to every one of my deadlines, come thru on everything i promised. i'm very thorough, and very creative.

the problem, apparently: i am not warm and fuzzy enough. there's a social clique at work, women in their 20s, go out for drinking all the time. it was those women in the clique, who i know to have a habit of talking shit about their coworkers behind their backs, as i've listened to it myself, when i used to hang out with them, them talking shit about other coworkers of ours. those women who went to my supervisor complaining that i wasn't friendly enough.

he brought up a list of issues, communication problems with other people at work. every single one, it was where i'd worked out a project timeline with someone, clearly explained it to the other person, they agreed, then they, afterwards, changed their minds, didn't communicate with me, then it blows up in my face, what's my problem, why didn't i see this.

major, major talk with supervisor today, the talk i've had so many times before, about how people have been talking, they feel uncomfortable around me. i say, am i not doing my job? he says no, you are a talented designer, you know it, i know it, you do very good design work, you're very creative. but people feel uncomfortable around you, they don't know how to communicate with you.

i said to him, aren't we adults here, all of us? if any of these people who've been coming to you about me... did it occur to any of them to talk to me first about it, bring it up with me? no, he said, they are scared to approach you.

i just stared at him. i didn't say it, but i couldn't believe what i was hearing. i am one of the most quiet, soft spoken people you will ever meet. these people are "scared" of me? what, i'd threatened them, yelled at them, cussed them, slurred them, thrown things at them? no, i'd never done any of those things. apparently, what i failed to do was smile at them appropriately when they asked me for help. everytime they asked me for help i always stopped what i was doing, went over to their cubes, helped them, but apparently i didn't do it in a warm and fuzzy enough way.

3-4 months ago i'd told my supervisor that i have asperger's syndrome, but as of yet don't have an official diagnosis. i asked him if discussing it with the rest of the dept would be helpful, as it affected communication styles, and would it help for me to get an official diagnosis. he never responded.

today, in his office, this all being laid on me, i reminded him of this, and he told that my diagnosis or not of asperger's syndrome had nothing to do with the situation, that i could get a diagnosis if i felt like it, and he'd help me, but it had no bearing on work.

i told him that this was going to sound silly, but from a sociological standpoint, it is truly stunning what is happening. i am a talented, creative, proactive designer, do very good work, and pretty much the popular kids at school have decided that i make them uncomfortable, and so rather than try to communicate with me, treat me as a human being, they are ganging up against me, saying bad things about me to my supervisor. it not even occurring to them, ever, to approach me first, as if i weren't even a human being, i weren't deserving of that basic respect.

the entire meet with my supervisor today, i felt so incredibly fatalistic, and was trying very hard not to cry.

so i will most likely be out of a job soon, and the timing really sucks.

this is a vent, and a rant. and possibly someone else has gone thru this, and you might have some similar experience, or consolation, or i don't know what.

[golden plated]

I just went through something very similar. Wow, just. How time flies. I have been out of my job since October the 15th. Also an art environment. I was a production artist. I don't think 'vividly' enough to do actual design, but I can make things when you tell me how you want it. I lost my job, they said, because of poor work performance and I will admit I have trouble with proofreading... but we used to have someone in the department who's job it was to proof everything before it was all finalized. That person retired, and the company opted not to replace them. But when I was let go they kept saying that I was not a "team player" and that I never helped when people needed help with things, and that I was arrogant and cold. I spent most of my 10 years there inside my cube, minding my own business and doing my work. When it came to doing other things, I used to ask, and was told no, that I was not needed, so many times that I then requested that if someone needed my assistance, to please just let me know. So maybe that was my fault and I should have just asking every time and being told no, but I wasn't unwilling to help. I think people really just didn't like me there since I also was not one of the 'warm fuzzy' ones, and liked to just sit there and be able to point and say "she is not helping," without having actually asked for help. During the last few years as well I have been on and off different medications to combat depression and ADD, which my employer knew about, but when I brought that up they just shrugged it off, and that was that.

I wish I knew what else to tell you other than the fact that I commisserate with your situation. Just more examples of how there is only one right, and if you're not an NT, you can't possibly be right. And we can't possibly be worth hanging onto if we're not as outgoing or "seem" like we're not friendly. I've been on unemployment since, and I have had no job prospects though I have been applying, and the few interviews I've been on have not gone too well; I think people just don't like me, even to just meet me, so that makes everything difficult. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's pretty horrible and at least for me it's been bad for my self esteem as well. I hope you find a new job soon.

[Margot]

It seems as if times are really rough for everyone right now.Especially for those with autistic disorders.I heard that in many parts of CA the unemployment rate is above 25 percent!!So it isn't just our disorders...

[A. Servant]

I'm no longer oblivious to the need for chit-chat to help others feel comfortable. But I probably scare and intimidate lots of folks, because of my inability to interact in the soothing, distracting ways of NTs. I no longer have the calm and professionalism that the OP manages to bring to the workspace. And you'll notice none of the chit-chat style in my writings, perhaps, unfortunately.

I wrote a bit about my background in another thread including general job and avocation-related challenges. To continue the story about yesterday, one challenge i had last night revolved around my response to a peer who interrupted the process of the meeting when we had two agenda items remaining and time for only one; i was hoping to have it be dropped from the agenda because of lack of time. My peer jumped in saying, "It won't take long" and spoke for five minutes using language that indicated that he expected everyone to comply with his recommendations. Rather than being placating and tactfully thanking him and offering to discuss this at length at some other time--a process response--I questioned his "authority" (narcissism) to proclaim a proposal by fiat. (I took the "bait" that often happens when persons "trolls" for a response.)

So, a possible rescheduling of the conversation or a brief dialog became a debate, because i tactlessly stated that my proposals ought to have at least as much a hearing as his. (I no longer withhold when it is important for my voice and ideas to be heard.) My harshness and high energy were due to the lack of time and pressure to not let his statement stand as the proposals were irrational and unsupported (which i tactlessly pointed out). I wouldn't have responded with an intense diatribe, if the proposals weren't about a topic of one of my special interests and expertise about which i had been intensely engaged in deliberation during the past week. My ability to "converse" is quite low; i rarely fake interest in topics that might interest others, and i don't share the areas in which i have intense interest with a humor. lightness, or humble air.

Had i not felt an intense time-pressure--an accurate sense of elapsed time is one my heightened gifts or curses, i might have (untactfully) broached the topic of the "emotional" content behind his statements including an unveiled threat to leave... "i will not use ___, so it is not an option" and his wanting to be appreciated for his efforts and time and analysis. But instead, I pushed the decision toward what he had indicated he would refuse, so my guess is that he may is gone from future participation (narcissists are emotionally fragile).

I would not have know there was a problem had a mutual friend not expressed her distress. I'm inferring his distress by her reaction. In hindsight, most everyone in the room had issues of abandonment that were triggered by my blunt, fiery expression that probably looked like "hostility" to the NTs. So, my desire to "help" instead of being a passive acceptor of a status quo (poor) outcome, has lead to my being looked upon as an unstable aggressor and a scapegoat for blame in the psychodynamic reenactments that ensued instead of a valued, wise voice. (This reflects my own perinatal experience.)

The more i learn about the nature of our shared reality, the more challenging i find it to act consensually with what appears to be what i call "metanoia." From my non-NT viewpoint, the time is now for everyone who can to come together to be strong and united in seeing our common "big picture" challenges and exploring novel, creative solutions.

[Grayson]

I could quote you word for word and apply it to myself.

One thing I have learned is that "they" are all busy being very competitive, all the time. Hence, the talking trash about people behind their back. And as is typical, we have witnessed "them" doing this about others.

The difference is, that people other than ourselves, seem to accept this as something that continuously happens and are continuously saying the right things and doing the right things to sort of head it off at the pass. The "trash talkers" seem to pick up on that message, take it no farther than their gossip and take the path of least resistance. That would be us.

Not only does the fact that we're not constantly heading them off at the pass because we either are too busy actually doing the work and/or we have no idea HOW to head them off at the pass.

We also become targets because we are often not associated with a protective clique and face it, many,many of us are simply way more intelligent and talented than they are. They are all inherently jealous and competitive. And we seem to press their panic button stronger than the ordinary guy. The larger the disparity between our abilities and theirs, the more vehement their behavior. They cannot compete on our level and therefore compete on theirs. And we lose.

I know that this will not help you in this situation. Knowing this doesn't seem to help me either. Because although I know what's happening now, even before it begins (which is almost instantly), I do not know how to snip it in the bud or build a set of defense behaviors. You know, the behaviors they all seem to have that alerts others to back off from the get go.

It has caused my life to become a nightmare. And right now, I am in a pit of despair.

And to top it all off, I am really nice. I know I am and they know it, too. And I have discovered that this makes it worse. They hate it when you're nice, too, apparently.

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you. And something like it has likely happened before. I wish I had the magic book that told us how to beat them at this particular game. I would share that information with you.

[Trevor Lamberty]

This is unfair, and you should call a lawyer! This is totally outrageous, being out of a job because of something that is TOTALLY out of your control! you have my sympathy!

[Chris mcmorris]

i got a hard time getting a job....